O hai I has not posted 4ever becaus nothing inneresting has happened here until SUNDAY, wen you will not bleeve wat happened.
I CAUT 2 MICE.
For reelz. We can has teh mice in teh pantry for a little wile now, I can hear them thru teh heating vents and has been carefully monitering teh situashun and on Sunday my preparation met luck wech you know means teh result was SUCKSESS. I caut one in teh afternoon and surprised dad who nearly fell down with shock as nobody around here bleeves I am teh badass tomcat I am. He told mom and she was equally shocked and skeptikal, nobody around here gives me any credit I tell you wat.
So when Mighty Hunter caut ANOTHER mouse after dinner I knew exackly wat to do, I would bring it to mom as a surprise gift and impress her hugely. Not only that I even brout it to her still wiggling so she would know it was really fresh.
She was certainly surprised. In fact she screemed so loud and so long I fled to teh bathroom so mai eardrums didn't brake. She screemed for dad to come and see the amazing mouse, wech apparently took advantage of her screemen to try to make a couple of breaks for it and he ran up the stairs nearly as fast as I do. Then to my shock and appall, they flushed the nearly-dead mous down teh toilet like so much cat poop "to put the poor thing out of its misery". Try given something nice to these neandertalls. Never again I tell you.
I only wishes Veronica, who often commented rather unkindly on my perceived haplessness and lack of any appreciable skills or talents, was here to eat som metaforical crow and admit that I AM A WARRIOR.
Listening at the pantry door,
Oh HAI my peeps! I has been offline for long time becas I has been so busy. Teh new regeem I has been on to keep me hale and harty has taken up much of my time. I was goen to teh vetimenariam weekly for my spa treetments, wech was goin very well until my stupid staff decided to onse again take a THIS TIME UNAUTHORIZED trip to QBA, a small Caribbean nation of which I am teh Commandante en Jefe, as you all know. I did not appprove or sanction teh trip sins as far as I can tell my delegate, RAUL, is doen good job of runnen plase in my absense as I can see by keepen abrest of diplomatik cables from my extensive network of CATS in QBA.
NEWai, they insisted it was v. important for them to go to Qba on trip which coensided suspishously with comen of Catnadian cold season and I went to stay at CAT SPA weth cat lady. But on Monday I got to feelen pretty bad and THROWED UP sevral times wech I usually only does onse. And cat lady called "vet on call" Monday nite and took me to see Dr. Debbie next day. And they did more tests on my magnificent self (Dr. Debbie said "Why don't we wait until his stoopid hooman staff come back to do teh tests- " and Cat Lady said "Oh just do teh damned tests!" That is why my staff leave me at teh CAT SPA while they is away, Cat Lady is all about teh cats and damn teh hoomans.)
So everybody desided I needed to have teh SPA TREATMENTS (wech involves me gettin FLOOUD under my skin) more than onse a week, and that is when my incompetent staff came back from Qba and desided that - u r not goin to bleeve this - desided that THEY would learn to do my SPA TREATMENTS at home as they figgered it was less stressful for me to do it 3-4 times a week at home, not goin to Dr. Debbie's.
"EXCUSE ME," I sed when they tried it teh first time. "Is this Amateur Hour? Where are teh vet techs? Why isn't any1 wearin scrubs? Why are ur hands shaken?" Mostly I sed "DO NOT WANT" and tried to make that clear teh first, second, therd time. "I WANT TO SEE SOME EVIDENSE OF TRAINEN IN VETIMENARIAN ARTS!`` All of whech protests was ignored. However, they got better at it and not quite as stoopid and weth teh weather changen, it occurred to me that it was kind of nicer to do it in 7 minuts at home, and was kinda more comfy than haven to get in my carrier, go to Dr. Debbie`s offise, and come back home in teh cold, 3-4 times a week. So we has reached a kind of de tent, where I allows them to do it without too much fuss (it doesn`t feel v. uncomfortable, but I sure acts like it does for reasons of manipulashion) and they does it without too much psychological trawma to them.
Also, it was Chrissmass! I got a ball and a spring and a mouse (not a real one I SUPPOSE THAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONE YEAR). So we all had v. merry Chrissmas and momanddad are home all this week to hang out with. So MERRY CHRISSMAS and HAPPY HOLLYDAYS to all my peeps and ur families. I`m goin to curl up in my little cat bed next to teh heating grate behind teh bathroom door and dream about tomorrow, wech will if experience holds be even better than today.
In wech my dad videyotapes me being incrediblly awesome in my pursoot of a small packet of catnip from teh CAT SPA, which is teh purvayors of teh finest nip anywhere, ever.
It turns out my vet, Dr. Debbie, has recently started offerin spa service as well and I goes regularly for an exotic hydrashun treatment wech I believe is Scandalnavian in origin. This may be why they requested my vital essences earlier, to customize teh service. Anyway it is nice staff is steppin up to teh plate and ensuring I get the full range of services I deserv.
I runs up teh stairs faster than any cat ever did. Ever.
Hai, my peeps! I has not posted for longtime. That is partly because I was on extended, two-week vacashun at teh CAT SPA where I is treated like a Prince and given the run of teh place, which is only appropriate. Once again I sent my diplomatick staff to Qba, once again they did v. poor job of intelligense gatherin except that they did bring back v. important classified information about rise of IGUaNA PARTY, an upstart group of scaly malcontents who may be considerin challengin my benevolent rule of one small island nation of 11,000,000 hoomans, 500,000 cats (estimate) and paltry few dozen iguanas. As per my estimations.
The confidential top-seekret intelligense files shows several of these idiotic reptiles-slash-dinosaurs with branes teh size of walnuts walking around being mysterious. I am putting my crack team of in-country operatives on the job
survaylin survaillin watchen these inferior creetures. The files also include several hundred photografs of hoomans in states of little or no dress, and an unaccountable number of photos of my diplomatick staff smiling behind elaborate beverages. Their strategic value is zero. However expeck to see them soon on Wikileaks.
My diplomatick staff are clearly idiots and not to be trusted in a country where, according to their filed written reports, alcoholic beverages range in acquisition price from 1 convertible qban peso to "free".
Apparently I have ordered significant changes to teh economy of Qba, which I don't remember doin but I often don't remember doin things so I will take their word for it. My operatives tell me that reaction to these changes is mixed, which I blame on poor message control by stupid hooman diplomatick/communications staff.
I have been feelin a little punk lately so at my direction on Tuesday stupid incompetent diplomatick staff took me to see Dr. Debbie, world's greatest vet, where i deigned to aquiese to their request to sample some of my amazing tiger blood. I am assumin they want my DNA to create a master feline race and I am okay with that. I'm feelin quite a bit better tonight so may draft some policy positions for Qba. Must remember to note it in my Outlook calendar so I don't forget again.
My sister, Veronica, has gone back to Nature.
And that is all I has to say about that.